Your website bio might actually be read if it’s concise, engaging and tells a story. If a potential customer actually reads it, they are likely to feel a connection and want to read more about how the organization can help them solve similar problems. So, your bio has to show some vulnerability. The more personal it is; the more details you include, the more believable it will be.
This week, I worked with Chris from Gratitude America, an organization offering retreats and programs for veterans who have experienced trauma. In his original bio, notice how almost every sentence starts with Chris, or the word ‘he.’ It’s important to craft sentences in different ways so there isn’t a repetitious pattern of subject, verb, object.
Here is my edited version (151 words). Below it, you can read his original bio (295 words). It has been condensed from six paragraphs to two. Chronological achievements and events have been creatively inserted into the sentence while highlighting the important part: the story.
EVA’s EDITED VERSION
As a youngster, Chris was fascinated with tribal warrior culture. The army seemed like a perfect choice after his Dad told him, ‘straighten up and find a job because you are not college material.’ For over 10 years, the 75th Ranger Regiment 1/75 became his extended family. When Chris was selected as the Operational Advisor for the Asymmetric Warfare Group (AWG), he developed his talent in teaching strategies for overcoming obstacles.
His skills were put to the test when his son was diagnosed with leukemia and eventually succumbed to the disease in 2006. Alcohol and excessive work masked his growing depression and anxiety. In 2020, Chris reluctantly attended Warrior PATHH after months of pressure from a friend. Now, Chris has found his passion and purpose as the Assistant Program Director. He is a more dedicated husband, a more involved father to 3 children, and has found peace in his heart.
Chris is the Assistant Program Director for Warrior PATHH. He started as a contracted guide in November 2020 and was promoted to Assistant Program Director in July of 2021.
Chris grew fascinated by the rites of passages into the tribal warrior culture. He spent many years wondering when his initiation into manhood would begin. After nearly failing out of college Chris’ dad told him to straighten up and find a job because he was not college material. Chris joined the Army in 1994 and was assigned to B company, 1st Battalion, 75th Ranger Regiment as a mortarman. Chris spent more than 10 years at 1/75.
In 2009 Chris would try out and be selected as an Operational Advisor for the Asymmetric Warfare Group (AWG). While assigned to AWG Chris would find great joy in assisting soldiers in combat and helping them improve their individual and unit skill level. Chris discovered he had a knack for advising and assisting. This need to help those struggling to overcome obstacles continues to this day.
Chris’ true struggles began in 2001 when his son, Jacob, was diagnosed with leukemia. Chris continued being there for his son while still training and deploying overseas with 1/75. After several years of fighting and struggle Jacob would eventually die on March 13, 2006. This trauma would send Chris into a spiral of depression and anxiety where he tried to cover it by alcohol and work.
Chris continued to struggle poorly after his retirement in 2014, failing to find employment. Finally, in 2020 Duke would invite Chris to attend Warrior PATHH. Being very reluctant and after several months of constant pressure from Duke, Chris finally capitulated and attended Warrior PATHH.
Chris resides in mid-west Georgia with his wife and three children.
By the way, I recommend replacing mugshots with a photo showing you in your environment. It provides another dimension to your story. This photo of Chris portrays his characteristics of strength, peace and leadership. It tells me he likes to provide outdoor programming. The vibrant colors invoke a sense of aliveness, which subtly suggest that if I participate in his programs, I may feel the same way. As the saying goes, ‘a photo tells a thousand words.’